Dear Peter and the team,
A big thank you to everyone involved with the fear of flying course, the Aviatours Team, BMI flight crew and the often forgotten Air Traffic Control who all dedicated their time to the well being of people like me.
It has been 21 years since I last flew in a plane, I am 42 this year. I am married with two children and have allowed my anxiety to dominate my life.
For me avoidance is comfortable and I can go about my everyday life by avoiding the very things that make me anxious.
The trouble is it also affects others around me. For instance rather than travelling on the motorway for fear of getting stuck I'll take the scenic route. I still get there but it usually takes a lot longer, the wife gets angry because we're always late and the kids get fed up asking "are we there yet"!
The anxiety causes uncomfortable feelings which makes you want to avoid, run away. As Keith the psychologist said no-one has ever died from these feelings as they are a perfectly normal human response. You try telling that to someone overwhelmed with those feelings, no sense is made of it. The last thing on your mind is that this is normal.
What he did say is that anxiety feelings do pass, they do not go on and on into some uncontrollable frenzied panic from which there is no escape and no end.
Once you understand this you realise that the panic and anxiety is controllable. It may still occur but if you stick with it, it can't control you, you control it.
For me the day was a roller coaster of anxiety. We were told not to think about the flight but we all knew where we were going to eventually end up. This was like being in the departure lounge facing an 8 hour delay; your mind has time to play the what if? game with you, you have a chance to run or you have the chance to stay and fight.
I chose to fight and I'm glad I did.
When we got above the clouds and levelled out, looking down on my world below me, because that's where my world was, the country in which I was born and was afraid to travel out of, I felt an overwhelming feeling of wanting to cry. Realy had sunk in that I had just achieved something that I had not done for 20+ years. I could not get that time back. For me it was gone.
At lunch time I briefly spoke to a young lad and his mum (he was wearing kharki trousers). I told him that I too was feeling anxious and so too was my mate who was 6ft 2in and built like a barn door.
I next saw him at the departure gate and became aware that he did not take the flight.
Anxiety makes you feel like you are alone and no-one truly understands how you are feeling because you can't explain it. If you had a broken arm someone is likely to ask how you broke it, does it hurt and can they sign your plaster cast! When you are in a state of panic/anxiety it is not entirely visible, it is perfectly real and it sure as hell hurts.
The positive thing about anxiety is that when you have it you are sensitive to those around you who are suffering a similar experience. Unless you've broken an arm yourself, you can't relate to the pain the person has truly suffered.
I would be grateful if you would pass this e-mail on in the first instance to the mum of the lad I spoke to. (If it's of help then she can decide whether to pass it on to him).
You are probably feeling like you failed but believe me you haven't because you actually got to the departure gate. It took me 20 years so don't give up and keep pushing. It's a fight but when you feel up to it take the next step. I don't regret what I have not achieved in the last 20 years but wish that I had not lost the time. You have time on your side so use it to your advantage.
I don't know if you like sport but my son is only 9 and I'm told is very good at golf. When you are good at something it often involves travelling to places far and wide to show people how good you are. I hope to be travelling soon with my son to show people how good he is, for him to kick arse on the golf course and to share it with him. For me that will be my reward for the lost years.
Good luck and I know you'll get there eventually.
Kind Regards
Derek Warne
